“Hmm, that’s odd.”
John looked at Dr. Parsis and raised an eyebrow inquiringly. Dr. Parsis did not notice and continued moving his stethoscope to various areas of John’s back.
“Um, what’s odd, Doc?”, John mumbled around the thermometer in his mouth.
“I can’t seem to locate your heartbeat.”
“That doesn’t sound good. You sure you’re listening in the right spot?”
Dr. Parsis stepped back and gave John a quick ‘are you freaking kidding me‘ look before retrieving the thermometer. As he checked it, the look on Dr. Parsis’ face made John nervous.
“Hmmm.”
“Hmmm? What does ‘hmmm’ mean, Doc? You look like you’re puzzled … which I can tell you from a patient stand point is not what you want your doctor to look like, especially during a check up.”
“Well, it seems as if you … I don’t know exactly how to put this. I’ve never actually had to tell anyone this about themselves.”
“Spit it out, Doc. This is killing me.”
“No, no, I’m quite certain that it isn’t. Mr. Driscol, it seems that you are already dead.”
“What?!?”
“You have no heartbeat, your body temp is currently 65F, which is 5 degrees cooler than when I first took it. I think the air conditioning in the office may be set a little too low …”
“What do you mean I am dead?!? You mean that I am dying, right? That I don’t have much longer to live??”
“Um, no. I mean you’re dead. That odd bruising on your back you wanted me to look at? I’m fairly certain that is the result of post mortem hypostasis … you died and your blood pooled to the lowest parts of your body. In this case, your back.”
Dr. Parsis pulled out a small flashlight and shined it in John’s eyes.
“And your pupils are fixed and dilated. You, Mr. Driscol, are dead.”
“But I am right here and talking with you.”
“Yes, that is a bit of a puzzle.”
“‘Bit of a puzzle‘?? Seems pretty straight forward to me. Since dead folks aren’t know as great conversationalists, I am pretty sure it means I am not dead.”
“Well, you are an anomaly, to be sure, but you are most certainly dead. By every definition, biologically speaking of course. I really should technically fill out a death certificate.’
“Now hang on, Doc! Don’t go filling out any …”
“Mr. Driscol, do I tell you how to do your job? Whatever your job is?”
“Well, no. But I just don’t…”
Dr. Parsis held up his hand and proceeded to fill out the needed paperwork to declare John Driscol dead.