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image: Onion Study 1 © Suto Norbert | Dreamstime Stock Photos
image: Onion Study 1 © Suto Norbert | Dreamstime Stock Photos

“It’s killing me, doc.”

“And why do you think it is killing you, Viktor?”

“Why? I don’t know why it’s killing me, doc, all I know is it is.”

“What do you experience whenever you are around them, Viktor.”

“Well, as soon as I walk into a room with them, my eyes tear up. Then I get this burning sensation in my chest, like the air is igniting as I inhale it. When that happens I excuse myself immediately and go get some air.”

“Mmm-hmm.”, hummed Dr. Stellweiter as he jotted down some notes.

“Viktor, perhaps you just have an allergy.”

“Look doc, that’s not the way this is supposed to work. Onions should not be a problem. Garlic, yes. Holy water, sure. Crosses, definitely. Daylight, oh you betcha. But onions??? I’ll be a laughing stock.”

“Oh now Viktor, I don’t think anyone will be laughing at you.”

“Oh sure they will doc. The other vampires will prank the hell out of me. And I think someone already knows. I found a bag of onion rings in my car!”

“And how did that make you feel?”

“What? Oh, violated, I suppose. I mean they would have had to break into my car to put them there …”

“No, sorry, I meant, did you have any reaction to the onion rings, Viktor?”

“No, actually, I didn’t. But it could have been all that breading that kept me from reacting to them.”

“Mmm-hmm.” Dr. Stellweiter made some more notes.

“What am I going to do, doc? I’m a nervous wreck. Every time there is a vampire potluck, I’m afraid someone’s going to bring somthing with onions in it and I’ll burst into flames if I eat it.”

“Well, I am going to refer you to an allergist I know. Good doctor and sensitive to your particular … needs. His office has extended hours so you should be able to schedule an evening appointment with him.”

“And what if it is not an allergy?”

“Well, then there must be some underlying cause to your fear of onions. Perhaps they remind you of garlic. Perhaps in your mortal life you had some traumatic experience with onions that you have repressed and it is just now revealing itself by manifesting as as psychosomatic response. It could be a number of things.”

“Hmmm … I can’t think of any onion-related trauma.”

“It could be you are suppressing the memory, Viktor. That is assuming you do not have an actual allergy. Until that is determined though, perhaps we should go back to discussing your conversion. You had told me that the vampire who turned you was laughing as she drained your blood?”

“Yeah. I had broken out some garlic, biggest garlic I could find, but I was slow on the draw and she knocked it out of my hands. Next thing I remember was her fangs piercing my neck and her laughing as she drank. Well, kinda laughing. Kind of a nom nom nom sound, but different.”

“Different how, Viktor?”

“It was like ‘non yon don wok’ followed by a slurping noise…”

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