My minions are worthless. I do not mean some of them, I mean all of them. It is hard enough being a criminal mastermind without having your minions make foolish errors.
“Oh you want to know the diabolical plan? Why certainly, Mr. Secret Agent, I’ll give you all the details and then leave you to perish in an extremely slow manner that gives you plenty of time to escape and foil all the work that went into setting up what should be a crowning achievement.”
Pure stupidity.
Granted, none of them have yet given me up as the true mastermind. I do have a knack for finding loyal help. Or help that is egotistical enough to convince themselves they are the ones who are behind it all. Either way serves to keep me out of some governmental black budget kennel.
It’s just frustrating is what I am saying. I tried to stop my last minion from revealing the details of my grand scheme by digging my claws into his arm as he carried me, but to no avail. I truly believe he thought I was merely kneading his arm in appreciation for the ear scratching he was giving me at the time. I must be sure the material in the new uniforms is thin enough that my claws will not be impeded.
The one before that came up with an overly complex means to dispose of the agent my forces captured, something involving fire ants with head mounted drills and several gallons of honey. It, of course, failed. And created an unholy mess in the secret base, let me tell you.
And it’s not that I did not try to point him to a simple solution. I batted at his side arm while he was going on about this “genius” idea he had. I would bring up searches for quick execution methods on his computer, which he promptly ignored and went back to playing his incessant video games. Sure, he could take over a virtual world, but in the real world he was useless.
My first minion had potential, though. He was quick on the uptake to my signals. He would clean the litterbox regularly, made sure I was fed when the mood struck me, and even used one of the laser scopes to give me hours of entertainment (besides, my thoughts become more focused when I chase a laser dot). But inevitably, he succumb to that same weakness all that followed him had.
Perhaps for my next minion, I will have to include “must be mute” in the job description. At least that will keep the next one from spilling the details of my upcoming plan for world domination.