It happened again. Perfect plan, perfectly executed … up until my minion decided to go all mouse-brained.
I had it all worked out. I was going to corner the world anchovy market and use the profits to fund my undersea base of operations. It was brilliant and fool-proof. Or at least it seemed fool-proof.
The simplicity of it all should have precluded any error. My minion managed to secretly amass a majority stake in almost all the anchovy wholesale companies worldwide. With the majority stake in hand, a series of leveraged buyouts and mergers would consolidate the anchovy wholesale market to a handful of regional companies. With less competition, and in reality no competition as I would have controlled all the anchovy players worldwide, prices for those delectable morsels would skyrocket.
Want anchovies on that pizza? It just became a premium topping. Want a true Caesar salad? Expect to shell out for it. Want to make your cat a really happy cat? Better buy a gold tin of the new golden fish. Profits were guaranteed.
Before I could initiate the cascading acquisitions and buyouts, however, my minion let the proverbial cat out of the bag.
The night everything was set to begin, he “got a hankering” for an anchovy pizza. He blathered on about how he was the anchovy king and how the prices of anchovies were going to skyrocket to the pizza place when he placed his order. When the pizza arrived he started to go on to the delivery girl how an anchovy pizza is a steal right now since he had not yet been able to put any price fixing into place.
And that’s when she busted him. Apparently the Organization bugged the office phones after my minion repeatedly called the former cast members of Firefly and then called the White House and all members of Congress to get them to force Fox to restart production if they were going to start forcing companies to do things they otherwise wouldn’t do anyway. While I did appreciate the sentiment, who doesn’t like a bad good guy, the timing was horrible, and the lack of common sense in using a direct line to make the calls rather than bouncing them off the numerous satellites I have in place to make tracing phone calls next to impossible is … well, honestly, I suppose it was to be expected.
The Organization heard the anchovy rant and mobilized … and delivered a pizza … all in under 30 minutes.
Maybe I should look into the Organization’s staffing procedures and requirements when I look for my next minion. Honestly, it could not be any worse than the last dozen minions I have had. At least they left the pizza when they hauled my minion away.